No Restrictions of Life

I don't understand

2011-09-04T23:12:00.004+08:00

AKU BENCI DIRI AKU SENDIRI!
You always make me cry
but i rather hate myself
than hating you.

2011-08-21T17:26:00.003+08:00

It have been two days that i have yet hold you in my arms, baby. How i wish you knew how much i miss you. I really miss you so much. Only God knew how much mummy miss you, baby. Only God knew how hurtful it is to be this way but mummy wants you to be healthy and safe unlike mummy. You're still a baby, you don't know what is wrong nor what is happening to us.. Daddy wants to leave mummy forever. Daddy don't love mummy anymore, baby. It is partially my fault too. Mummy don't know when, how and what have made mummy change to a bad person.. It is beyond than bad.. It is way worse than bad but perhaps i was too hurt.. Mummy didn't know what else to do. Mummy can't help it but to cry. Baby, if only you could see and understand.. If only you could notice.. I didn't rest well and i lost my voice. Also, i have been crying almost every single day and night. I don't wanna lost my eye sight too. I would miss looking into your eyes. I love you so much, baby.

My Babyboy

2011-08-21T03:18:00.002+08:00

Sesungguhnye, Mummy rindu sangat dengan Ariq... Maafkan mummy jikalau Ariq tidak sesuai dengan keadaan kini tapi inilah yang terbaik untukmu. You know I love you so much too just like i love your daddy.

2011-02-03T18:47:00.003+08:00

It is 'used to be' now.

I was looking back in my past how i knew you. Reminiscing how we've met but all that tears me apart. You were as skinny as a chopstick when i first knew you but now, you looked better than the first. I miss how you used to wait for me at work. I miss how you comfort me when i was so scared to go to work.I was like your only queen in your life. I was the first person you find in the beginning of the day and so at the end of the day.

Everything changed now. You start accepting every women you see. You promised to change and treat me better but now? You took me and our love for granted. If you still wants to play this kind of game at this age, so be it. I'm really tired of telling you and asking you but you don't and never seems to change. Never even intend to. I swear, I am sad about it.

2011-02-03T18:21:00.002+08:00

Currently, no internet home. It feels like shit, people! If only money grow on trees, selfishness will grow too. Now at boyfriend's homie.. He's sleeping with his head on my lap. OH GOD, I wish he wakes up :( I swear, i want that blue nike slippers so bad cause its so nice..

2011-01-18T17:30:00.003+08:00

I felt that you're simply heartless. You're not understanding at all 'cause you didn't even try to understand nor put yourself in my shoes and feel what i've felt before. I almost break down just now when you said there's so much cartons to be done and you got angry when i didn't give a damn. Have you ever think of me? Did anyone care when worked for 10/11hrs last year? My mum don't, no one ever did care and i just thought you would.. I still wishing you would understand me. I wish you would care about me a little bit more than you used to. But things just ain't the way i want it to be. :'(

2011-01-18T14:11:00.004+08:00

A life with love will have some thorns,
but a life without love will have no roses.

I believe that people out there will object with the caption above. Different people have their own opinions. This is just my point of view, you can always drop down your opinion in my formspring, I would love to know 'em. Perhaps, you already have a wonderful life even without love. Or maybe, you have a great family and true friends that can lighten up your life. Frankly, i don't have any of them but my only love. I don't have- a great family, true friends, understand siblings and etc. Or should i say that i don't have any friends? :(

I have to admit that boyfriend and i do argue, uncountable times. I always complain how hard my life is, frankly, i can see that boyfriend is already sick and tired of me. I am the one who always want to talk things out and solve it but he's always said he wants to go out of the house and have a drink. &I think that isn't a must. He is the one who always letting go of everything while i am the one who is always trying to save it. At times, it just hurts too much and my mind got haywire.

&Boyfriend, this is for you,

Separated doesn't always fixed the problem, so think twice if you want to end up a relationship, baby.

2011-01-14T09:51:00.005+08:00

Trust is really hard to gain,
Once you've lost it.
Its really weird how we handled our relationship. Are we doing it the wrong way, baby? 'cause we always end up hurting one another but we'll be fine in time. Weirdly, We quarreled again. Like yesterday, you wanted to leave me but someone stopped you from it. And that someone is our precious but the way you said it, its like we're a burden in your life. It really tears me apart when im letting you go. Its like, what am i saying?! It really tears me apart when you said don't come and find you anymore. But thank you for coming back. You know i love you too so much.

I just need you to comfort me. I just need a listening ear from you. I don't need you to freaking nag at me. I don't need you to interfere my life. I just need an opinion from you. Or perhaps a hug, mum?

What makes you think w/o him, i would be happier? Since a hug is also hard to give from you to me? Who else could i turn to, mum? I really wished you would understand me fully and truly. I've once drown myself in ur life to understand you and i did but you didn't appreciate it neither did you even understand me back? :'(

I loved you and i still do. If only you could stop comparing me and others, Life would be beautiful.

And boyfriend, i just need you to be brave enough to stand up for me baby! :'( 5days straight im crying baby.

2011-01-13T11:50:00.005+08:00

I should be an actress.. I do it everyday.
Like when you ask me how I'm doing, I smile and say I'm okay.

Baby, I really wished you would understand me. But I do strongly believe that you will understand me one day when i'm gone. I've been through quite alot with and without you, baby. At times, it just hurts so much that i couldn't hold back my tears any longer. My tears can just slip anytime and anywhere.
I've hold back my tears for quite a long time and i've been holding on the edge yet no one notice me. I was patient enough with everything, baby. Oh baby, kadang2 i mengharapkan you lihat dan tenung mata ku, cuba selam dirimu dalam kehidupanku. Try drown yourself in my life. Swim back in my past. I've got no one to turn to. I've got no shoulder to cry on and because of that, I hold back my tears. Finally in 2011, I couldn't take it anymore and let go all of my tears onto your shoulder. But i've yet to let go all of my fears 'cause you dont seem to understand me yet.
I really wished that one day will come soon. The day that you will understand me truly and fully 'cause I couldn't take it anymore that whenever i cry, you'll scold me for crying. How the hell can i ever stop crying?? I remembered-: how she wish he/she were dead, what she said to me without anyone witnessing, the hours of me worrying due to not knowing your whereabouts, how ur niece react when you were with me, and many more. All those that ive mention caused me tears but i hold back until that day. but still you dont see what i see.

2011-01-09T15:48:00.002+08:00

Friends are there only when you're happy.

I love you so much. Please be careful and don't leave me 'cause if you do, i don't even think i can be strong for a single day. :'(

2011-01-04T23:20:00.003+08:00

Nothing is impossible.
The word itself says, 'I'm possible'.

2010-12-28T09:44:00.003+08:00

When nothings goes right, go left.

I have to admit that i do daydream all the time and when someone asked me what am i thinking about, i'll always says 'Nothing.'. Perhaps, if we daydream too much, we'll end up having nightmares when we sleep, huh?

Sometimes I felt that Life is unfair or maybe, the people around just making me feel that way. I used to laugh alot, laugh hard and laugh til i cry but now, tears always be my company in the bus, in my room and also in my sleep. Some people made me feel that love is nothing but for just a moment because i see too much divorced parents. When i looked at them, there is only one question i asked to myself; 'Where's the love they used to have?'.

'Where are all the love, care and attention in a family?'
'Where are all your mind and manners?'
The world is turning upside down.

2010-12-12T16:17:00.003+08:00

You can't fight fate.

Me, Young Mom. Why not??
A pretty babygirl, please.
I LOVE MUHAMMAD RAHMAT!

2010-10-30T13:51:00.003+08:00

Does anyone have any idea why it rained so heavily?

Finally it is my off day today... But it rained. Asked myself why? Perhaps due to pain i felt inside. I refuse not to cry 'cause i don't want my mother to interfere my problems or life. I have been living my life without any knowing what truly happened. She saw my bills slip and she started questioning me about it. As usual, i can't be bothered.. I wont answer her question sincerely or straight to the point. So she told me not to loan or owe any money from any company or etc and i told her, even if i have to i won't tell anyone cause i am the one who did it. It is almost half a year i've been pulling the load by myself.. I will keep on going until 1 and a half year more..

I'll be going to posb soon.. i guess.

this is what i feel

2010-10-23T09:27:00.003+08:00

"A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling.. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you.."

that hurts

2010-10-21T03:32:00.002+08:00

I wanna be the girl that you often remember in whatever you do.

It is sad that I wasn't the first thing that you wanna check out when first you switch on your netbook. You knew I have a cyber diary and how often I update it.. Whenever I'm feeling down, you know i will update. I wanna be the girl that you most care about. I wanna be the girl that you'll handle with care cause i'm fragile. And i excused you for not always tagging my blog 'cause you don't have internet but now you do. Does it make any difference baby?? I'm someone you simply forgotten.

2010-10-15T23:47:00.004+08:00

"My broken heart will heal after a while; my goal is to see you and not cry, but smile."

Yes, last time your friends gave you a helping hand. And you said that they're a special friend.. Your eyes must have caught some dust that you didn't even notice how your SPECIAL friend looked at me. You didn't notice that I was so offended by that. After awhile, you knew that I dislike them but you tried to kill me at one point. Saying that they helped you when you needed a helping hand. They gave you food and money when you need them.

But Baby, I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I COULD.

And about the bitch that called and was looking for me.., I don't know who was it. Neither do i even know their number. So stop blaming my friends for using unpleasant words to you because anyone or everyone can claim that they're my friend just to break us down.

2010-10-13T01:37:00.002+08:00

I wished you're strong enough to hold me tight and never let me go.

I want to let it out here but I just couldn't seems to find the right sentence or words to describe what i truly feel. I don't even know where should I even get it started. One thing for sure, I just couldn't control myself but my tears slip endlessly. You don't want to know since when..

I felt like I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm only left with you in my life. Wishing and hoping that you would understand how I feel but things just ain't going the way i wanted it to go. I have been faking a smile for quite a long time that I, myself couldn't even remember since when. I will continue about this next post.

Changed in just a Flick

2010-10-09T23:49:00.003+08:00

Honestly, You've changed.

You knew nothing about what i'm going through or how i feel deep inside. You made me feel like life is totally unfair for me. Infact, it is unfair. You made me feel like you're pushing me to the extreme that i really have to get a job first before you do. Why can't you get it first?

Stop comparing your life and mine. Stop talking about the freedom I've got..

crying my heart out. how i wish you would comfort me instead of comparing our life and situation. i felt so unappreciated.

Clueless

2010-09-24T00:00:00.005+08:00

"Do not judge those who try and fail, judge those who fail to try."

I can't sleep and don't have a clue why I woke up early in the morning... It doesn't matter at what time I slept but nowadays I have been waking up early in the morning around 2am - 5am. And now I can't get my eyes shut or get back to sleep... But i swear, i really am tired... I always have a problem when it comes to afternoon or evening, I tend to get very sleepy but still, I stayed awake.. Reasons, I'm outside or else, I'm at work... I don't know what is bothering me now.. I don't know what is exactly on my mind every now and then.. Call me a daydreamer now because I could just stare blankly without knowing what is actually in my mind. Oh, Someone help me.. What is wrong with me? Perhaps, I didn't get enough of sleep, huh?

Though, my situation now is bad with unanswered questions, Hubby had never fail to make me smile and at the same time mad too... I was suppose to smile and yes, I wanted to smile but there is something that holds back my smile and that it make me feel irritated.. Weirdly, I felt sinful and guilty after I got irritated when hubby was trying to make me smile. Oh God, Thank you 'cause you exist him in my life and I don't know who else could I ever turn to if I don't have him around. Everyone is busy with their own life, their own problems..

Baby,

I want to thank you for everything. Thank you for being patient with my attitude problems. I'm really proud of having you as my one and only .. Not only that I'm proud but I'm glad I knew.. I'm glad that I took the risk of meeting you. If I disagreed of meeting you that day, I think I would be crying my hearts out due to not having anyone to turn to.. Thank you for helping me.. You helped me to pull up the load.. I don't know how to say it out or elaborate it to make you feel satisfied but there is one thing for sure... I love you very much and there is noone else could ever replace you, baby. I will wait for you, dearest.

Weekends

2010-09-20T03:16:00.012+08:00

You're like one in a million standing in the crowd.

Nothing much i could say for my weekends. Just tagged along with baby and his family to their relative's Open House. And it seems that baby enjoys working with Chua. I like those smiles on his face. Perhaps, he won't be so bored now 'cause his new job makes him a lil bit busy these days (:

Good Luck, Baby!

2010-09-17T04:50:00.000+08:00

"Your presence in my life brings wonderful smiles and loving thoughts within my heart."

I didn't know why i woke up out of a sudden and that i couldn't get myself back to sleep but that's ok. I shall update a short post and this goes out to my baby.. (:

I can see how excited you are when you've got a job. And that i'm happy for you too. I wish you all the best on your first day at work ok dear? Smile always 'cause my love will always stay. I Love You, baby. Happy 3rd Monthsary, baby. You're the apple of my eye and like a candy with a suprise center. I'm going to try to sleep again, like please!

Start believing you

2010-09-13T01:07:00.000+08:00

"It is a fragile thread that binds us together, so handle it with care."

First of all, I want to apologise to my one and only baby, Rahmat. Sorry for lying to you but i just want to make it a suprise to you. Its nothing much nor special but just something for you to read and its about what i feel for you. As i type all these words now, i couldn't stop smiling. Do you have an idea of why is that so? I was lying on my bed stare blankly on the ceiling above.. Out of a sudden, i got myself thinking of who will i be with if i never knew you? What will i be doing now if you didn't came into my life? And that is not the reason why i smiled. The reason i smiled is that i'm glad and i'm really thanking God for existing you in my life. On the other hand side, i smiled 'cause its funny how we get to know each other and how we first met.

Once again, baby, I want to say thousand of apology because I reminisce from the first time we knew each other and til today, i had never fail to hurt you. Yes, i was so extremely rude. I don't know what got into me. Neither do i even know what is bothering me. Nevertheless, I'm so happy to have you in my life. I'm sorry for always keeping things from you. Its not that i want to but i don't want you to quarrel with anyone. Perhaps, we should just ignore them. I want you to know how proud am i to have you in my life that I like having you around me all the time. I realised how fast time have flew. We're left a few more months and obviously, its too fast for me. It hurts whenever i take a look at the calender by month. I will treasure the moments we're left to be spent together. Thank God for understanding our situation. Thank God i have a great manager that don't mind. Thank You, Allah, for every single thing. Please fill me with patience and peace 'cause i believe i really need it.

That Stupid Lifeless Bitch

2010-08-16T07:55:00.000+08:00

Realising, I was the independent one among my siblings.

Sometimes, i don't understand people nowadays. Never will i ever understand them.. I swear, i hate that dumb ugly bitch.. I don't know anything about her neither do i even know who is she.. Out of all those beautiful colours, there's an ugly duckling appeared and chased all the lovely colours away. K stop it, lets get straight to the point..

She's stupid, that everyone know. She's ugly, that everyone sees. She's so free, not sure if everyone knows that but now everyone will. She's so free to look into my life. She knows nothing about me and she sent me a friend request. In the first place, i decided not to accept it cause i knew she wasn't nice but since my boyfriend knew her, perhaps, i was wrong judging her. Well, i was right all along.. She wasn't nice and its true. Out of a sudden, she wrote something on my profile asking me why didn't i delete all the pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend.. In the first place, does it really matter??

I thought my friends would notice it and comment too but anyway, i'm always independent since young..
No family, No friends, No siblings.. Everyone busy and even forgotten about me but i'm still standing strong with my own feet.

Speechless Independent.

2010-07-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

When will i ever be treated like a princess or your precious?
Sometimes when I look back with what I've gone through in my past, I simply feel sick and tired of the same routine. I feel sick and tired of being in the same boat as months and years passed. I want something different now. I don't wanna be in the same situation that I've been in. I've been there for ages and now I want something better. Obviously, this isn't the kind of life that I want to live/lead in. I felt everything and everyone is against me. I've been supporting the one i loved for years but I never felt appreciated. Not even a little. As i type all these words into sentences, my tears just slip endlessly. It can be my friends, my boyfriend or worst, still, my parents. I have always been independent and still am independent.

My Life Is Just So Speechless

I'm Choosy

2010-07-09T05:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it made me question myself,
"am i at fault?"
Hello lovelies.. So yeah, finally i've got the time to update my blog and change my blogskin.. It have been a long time since i last update my blogpost. So much things happened but so little time to talk about it. Let me just say a lil' bit of something.. Perhaps, it is not must 'cause everyone knows that i am already attached (: Yeah, like finally again?

It have been a few months that i was single as i was so choosy in them, guys. I mean we have just got to be choosy, don't we..? I mean why bother going into relationship with them when they don't know what you're going through in life.. or worse still they don't even bother to ask "whats up or down?". So I tend to move on and find someone else, someone new that could show his love and as well as concern towards me.. When i've found him, the previous guy i know seems to be angry at me.. I mean, am i at fault? I've got nothing else to say but sorry.. No one knew, no one asked, no one notice it how hard am i going through in life..

Sometimes, i envied looking at other people's life. But actually, i don't even know what they are going through either.

Unbelieveable

2010-06-23T01:31:00.000+08:00

*Often said that I've gave up in relationship,
'Cause I'm sick and tired of L-O-V-E,
Looking for nothing more than just friendship,
Nomore "us" or "we"; its gonna be just me,

I thought I was strong all along,
I thought I was right with what I've said,
But everything seems to go other way round,
There is nothing i could say, perhaps, this is fate.*

Sorrow

2010-05-30T03:47:00.000+08:00

Lonely, Empty, Depressed.
All i could do is to cry but no matter ho hard i tried, it just slipped.
imissyousobadly but finally, i gave up..

3days away from my waking life.

2010-05-14T04:57:00.000+08:00

No one knows that I was depressed.

Good Morning Lovelies! 2Minutes more to 5AM! Don't ask why in the world i woke up in the morning.. 'Cause i don't even have any idea of why.. Its not that I want to gain sympathy or what but i haven't been eating a proer meal.. Oh wait, i just don't feel hungry.. Never have I ever thought Life could be this hard. Never came across my mind back then that i would ever feel this way. I SWEAR THAT SHE WILL GET BACK IN RETURN JUST AS HURTFUL AS I AM! I dont want anything else but i just want her to feel just EXACLY how i felt! Turning back to what i've gone through and stuff.. From my observation, love have always been the problem in her life.. Well, love have always been the matter in my life too but finally now, my life changed. And that i thought i could handle it or carry the burden all by myself without telling anyone what am i facing.. I was wrong all along.. I wasn't thinking straight, wisely, maturely and far. Never thought of the consequences of the things that i tried to do. All i know is that i want to runaway from my life. That is the first and i hope that will be the last too.

Much Loves, RizahDarling

Scared of Ahead

2010-05-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

I dreamt twice today.. First Dream: I was in a hotel room alone and somehow i knew that it cost me 60bucks.. I went over to the phone and called another room in the same hotel.. I didn't know how i get there or how i knew they are there too..And i'm back to my waking life... I just lie still on bed and wondering what crap was i dreaming. Slowly, i'm back asleep.. Here goes my second dream, i was with mother going to a huge mall.. I went in a shoe shop quickly just to hide myself from a group of dancer.. I was peeping on them dancing.. So hot, so cute and so cool.. And out of a sudden, this girl said "Sis, i wanna buy a Jasper Shoe".. I was like "Sorry babe, i'm not working here."; She's cool and outgoing. Recommended me this shoe too. WTH, it cost her 30bucks. And there is so much but i'm just lazy to elaborate or talk about it much more...

I went online and checked on Dreams Dictionary. Only two words.. 'Hotel' and 'Riot'..

Hotel

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.

Riot

To see or participate in a riot in your dream, suggests that you need to stand up for yourself. You need to speak up and address what is bothering you. Alternatively, it signifies a loss to your individuality. You are involved in a situation that is destructive to your well being.

Much Love,RizahDarling.

Starting to fall in love

2010-05-05T03:41:00.000+08:00

I miss you so much.

Eversince the break up i had with my previous relationship in February/March, i haven't been in another new relationship. Neither have i fell in love with any new friends i've made. At first, i thought i had enough of all that or maybe, i don't wanna get hurt anymore.

But i was wrong... I met a friend two days ago. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. And when i looked into his eyes, i felt so cold deep inside me.. I felt connected to him... I can't help i and i cried.. Perhaps, sadness is what he feel deep inside that made me cry. He is such a nice person and i think i should start to occupy myself with some things to do so that i won't think of him so much.

Even when he said that he likes me too.. I still fear that i am the only one who felt this way. Anyway, he did mentioned that there's few girls out there liked him too.. Although, he asked my number from his friend, i still fear that he mind change his mind and feelings.. I'm not good in capturing a guys heart. Perhaps, i should just go with the flow?

One thing for sure.. I easily give up. :(

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Lonely

2010-04-28T08:33:00.000+08:00

Life is unpredictable. I've a new friend and he is a nice friend.. Didn't know why my ex gave my number to him.. Was it on purpose or accidentally?? Anyway, never have i regret knowing this silly n funny guy.. Rusydi Cine (:

Eversince i broke up with my ex... I feel so lonely. Although, i've made more friends but it is just different.. Sometimes i feel like crying when i drown myself in my heart. Hopefully it end soon.

Much Love, RizahDarling

Stressful

2010-04-18T12:40:00.000+08:00

First of all, i couldn't stop myself from crying. Life have always been stressful. I feel insecure everywhere i go. I'm slow in catching things up.. And i'm really not looking forward to work.. I broke in tears whenever i fear shortages of cash.. And whenever i shortage of cash always got myself thinking crazily... I wish this situation end soon! 'cause i really can't take it anymore..

Much Love, RizahDarling.

3 months, its too much..

2010-04-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

Let's just wait and see.

I didn't want to believe it. Didn't expect things would really happen this way. Always thought it was bullshit. But when i look up to my calendar.. It just broke my heart because he was the one that i always talk to whenever i have problems at work. I like the way comfort me although he don't know how it feels deep inside. The reason i can't bear of losing him is because he's always there whenever i'm down at work. He's a great friend. I'll wait for you, my friend.

But one thing i dislike about you.. I've told u once and i've told you twice. More than that, perhaps. I told you that i don't really care about your past but i need to know about it too..

Much Love, RizahDarling

Truth known

2010-04-12T11:56:00.000+08:00

Insecure is what i feel every single day.

I just woke up now.. Got home late yesterday... Slacked around with Sham & Farid... It feels like different.. Explanation heard. And yeah, i cried .. Kept asking myself, why is my lovelife so miserable... Though, i know there's someone out there loves me but that someone is a huge liar... I don't wanna live my life in a lie.. It feels so different... Perhaps, i'm too pampered.. And because of that it hurts to be single..

I held back my tears as much as i can. But tears just slipped one by one. And that is where i couldn't held back my tears any longer. Cried and cried and cried till i couldn't. Then, is in the morning already and we went our separate ways home. From Bangkit all the way to my front door, i cried silently. I just couldn't help it. It hurts deep inside.

Speechless and Unsure

2010-04-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

I'm speechless.

I tried not to cry. I manage to hold back my tears for a moment, just. And there i go, crying over the perfectly same thing. It hurts, seriously. What did i do to deserve this.. I mean, if doing this just to make her wanting you back, you can always plan it up with me.. Don't jus do i without planning nd now leave me hurt.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Dreamt

2010-03-31T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm running away from myself, them and everything else.

Another dream i had that simply signify myself. Another dream of being chased again. It seems that i am forever running and falling. Running, i'm running for the fact like what lies beyond my eyes and yet i dare not to believe it. Falling, i'm falling in love with insecurities around me. Yesterday, it rained like cats and dogs.. Thunder strikes here and there yet i wasn't afraid to it perhaps that is what i feel. Talked to mummy while i was eating just made me cry infront of it and it rained. I feel unloved, I feel unsafe.

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Like always

2010-03-29T02:15:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry, really am.
Downpouring like i always do. And i'm sure that one day, one week straight raining like cats and dogs, lancau and cheebai, etcetera. I guess, i'm going to sleep 'CAUSE I'M ALRIGHT AND I'M OK. I don't need anyone to understand me 'cause i don't want anyone to call me self-centered. Goodbye people.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Downpouring when its not raining.

2010-03-28T04:15:00.000+08:00

Unbearable,Undescribeable

He really thought i was updating my blog but i was actually crying and here i am now updating my blog. Its weird that everyone kept on saying let it out and just cry 'cause it'll make you feel better.. But sometimes, i don't feel any difference if i do so. Or worse, there's not enough time for me to let it out 'cause i'm sure they'll get half asleep by then. Or more cantik, they'll start snoring. Is there anyone who will be there sitting by my side and listen to my past stories? I don't wanna end up with someone who will say that 'its the past anyway.. just forget about it'. Its not that i don't want to. Its just that i can't. I can't pretend that i've forgotten about it when i still can feel the pain deep inside. Yes, i'm sad. Yes, i'm hurt. But i believe none notice it. Downpouring again. Perhaps, none understands me because they're not in my shoes. I'm truly tired of feeling the pain on my own. No one feels me and no one will get connected to what i feel. I don't wanna feel depressed like how i used to a month or two back then. I was messy and i was moody like almost everyday but now, i tried to fake a smile. I guess, i can't because i'll end up daydreaming always. I don't know what am i thinking of. Im sleepy and extreme tired but i'm just afraid to sleep 'cause i don't wanna end up dreaming of myself running and being chased by a guy. Oh well Goodnight

Muchh Loves, RizahDarling.

I don't know what i truly feel.

2010-03-25T14:28:00.000+08:00

I know i've post an entry for today but im tempted to post another just to express what i really feel now.

I burst into tears. I cried my heart out and still am crying. Honestly, it hurts to fake a smile but there's a reason why i faked a smile. It hurts to force yourself to smile when deep inside you're crying. I just hope this pain will just go away. Sometimes, i felt extreme unsafe.. i'm so tired. I swear, i really am. I don't know why that whenever i'm alone, i always walk and non-stop looking back. Sometimes, i just felt like someone's following me. I don't want to end up like my dream.

Oh dear Jerk,
Texted me in the morning.. Wishing me have a good day ahead or something like that. Before losing the things you loved or the things you've took for granted, you didn't even bother to text me a G.night or G.morning messages. Its too late to regret and its too late to apologise..This is for you...

Much Love, RizahDarling.

You're a part of my life now, aren't you?

2010-03-25T03:31:00.000+08:00

You knew its true but you never wanna face the fact,
And out of the blue, i realised you're just a faggggg

Life always turns out unexpectedly and unexpected things happened in my life. I wouldn't wanna say like i always do. Y'know that i always say that 'shits happens' and i don't wanna say it now 'cause it ain't shit at all. I'm glad things happen this way eventhough it hurts emotionally and a slight physically.. I'm glad to know you and i'm glad for being an arse 'cause i wasn't faithful with my ex back then. Gave number to guys whom i am or am not interested 'cause i couldn't care much about him. He just couldn't be bothered and i don't even think God bothers much about him. Anyway, he's already fallen into history. So let's open a new chapter and read my new story.

To you sweets (you know who you are),
I never thought we would even get this close. I never thought you would even like me. Never have i even think that you would fall for me. Sometimes, some things you said, just made me feel like i'm never up to your standard. I really thanked God for everything 'cause if i never knew you, i wouldn't be smiling or laughing whenever i'm with you. Although i often cry at night but still, my day is much better than how it used to be.. I admit that i love you. Thank you for being nice to me although i know you know that i don't deserve to be nice to. I just hope what you feel for me isn't fiction or fake. I just hope what you feel deep inside towards me would stay that way for eternity.

There's alot of thing i want to say but if i keep on typing, i believe i'll be repeating the same thing but in different kind of ways. And i'm sorry for every littlest and biggest wrong things i've done. i guess, that's all i can say.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

I don't feel like i'm a teenager anymore :(

2010-03-18T19:25:00.000+08:00

It still drew a smile on my face
while listen to the pleasant melody,
forever will be and none can replace.

Looking back to the days i've went through, just got myself feeling better. Thanked God, it didn't last forever. Now, i have to strongly agree with others and the rest that i wish i was forever young. I'm just 18 and turning 19 this year. I have a bestfriend, his life is way harder and tougher than mine. Yes, i admit.. I'm still a teenager. He's still a teenager.. But we don't live our life spending our money for ourselves. We've got our parents to give. Now, i feel what those young people feel when they worked so hard and that they have to give their parents some of it. Anyway, that's part of life right? If its not now, later you'll end up giving them too... (:

I was such a lazybum back then. Shaked my legs and sat on the chair infront of my lappy. Now my back is aching and driving me crazy. Veins popping out and it i extra visible to my skin. Yes, its ugly like obviously..
Thought, my life was totally ruined. Yes, all got messed up.. I've got my only bestfriend to be there. And that is, of course, Farid Hamidon. (:

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Close Our Story Book.

2010-03-13T03:28:00.000+08:00

We're falling into history.

I've put Our Love Story to an end. Let's close our storybook and be just friends. Its not that i don't love you anymore neither have i found someone nor i'm sick of you. But it is just that i mark onto yours words about you and i don't deserve each other. It seems that you don't think that you've hurt me as much as i think you did. If i wasn't this hurt, i wouldn't even ask for it.

Said, i need a break,
And this time its not fake,
Don't cry as its not the end,
'Cause you know that we'll still be friends.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Tried to impress but you failed the test.

2010-03-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

I'll keep on going,
Til i collapse.

BIG APOLOGY to Rizlan Rahmat
I'm sorry for being rude.
I'm sorry for being harsh.
I'm sorry for my mouth is full of vulgarities.
I'm sorry for keeping a secret.
I'm sorry for avoiding you whenever you intend to make things better.

But, i have had enough of your nonsense. Honestly, i don't have any sympathy for you, not even a lil. You've hurt me too much and yes, i admit that i have hurt you too. Perhaps, you deserve it because you treated me wrongly. You must have mistaken me with your past bitches. Its stupid that you treated your bitches like a princess while me? You treated me like i'm nothing. I'm getting bored listening to your past life story. I'm not even impress in any way. It seems like i've start yawning whenever i sense that you're gonna storytelling your boring and wasted life. Look here, you're 24 and be like one can? Stop saying this and that but ended up its nothing neither its the fact? Oh you're sucha sweetie of wanting to treat me a marble cheesecake at TCC but ended up you pulled the tab with my money. That WAS EMBARRASSING. You've said too many things that isn't gonna happen. I'm so sick and tired of guys whom aren't gentle enough. I mean like, haiz. I may sound like i expect too much from guys but isn't that what guys should be doing?

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Sleeping Disorder again

2010-03-07T06:06:00.000+08:00

It is sad to see you moving back and forth,
Yet noticing that you're not even moving anywhere.

Stop asking about hows things going on between me n boyfriend just because yours is fine. Even if things are not ok between you and yours, i wouldn't even know because you're not gonna tell me as i'm not supporting you now.

Oh well, guess you wanna know so much.. Boyfriend and i ain't going good. Asked for a time off, though i know i'll be down, broken hearted and sad, or worse; regret but he didn't want it... Still, i think i have had enough of relationship's ups and downs. Wasn't looking forward to any r/s after this 'cause it truly hurts. It hurts to have those kind of guy who doesn't appreciate you or never made you feel like you're special to him. Everyone dislike to be compared.. Who don't right unless you're higher than the one that you've been compared to. Too many demandments/commandments..

Too much tears i've waste,
Too much bitter i've taste,
Tried my best to build our love,
I'm flowing with the only one above.

I just hope i couldn get back to sleep. Working at 4 later. :(

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Back on the thorntrack.

2010-02-26T20:52:00.000+08:00

I don't need that look on your face.

You've hurt me so bad that now i'm completely heartless. Patience is being washed away bit by bit. Sympathy is no longer there long ago. Overcoming the pain is what i've tried. Those tears sent down to my cheeks are long dried ..

I thought i've overcome the pain but it seems like we're back on the thorntrack. I showed him that i loved him so much which i do at that point of time. At that moment, i do miss the happy moments when we're together going out dressing up at our best. Dressed to our bestest just for our loved one and to impress. I tried to dress at my bestest which i was on that day.. But you showed me face due to not wearing the dress that you want me to. I don't need the look on your face and you truly hurt me. What a great off day for me. Shouldn't have went out and i should have slept on my off day. Its better off with a normal boring day than going out and got yourself hurt.

I don't know what have happened, what's happening and what'll happen later on. I jus hope it'll be better.

Much Love, RizahDarling

Some still kept unknown & still on my mind.

2010-02-25T03:15:00.000+08:00

Lets just smile to others,
We'll never know with our smiles,
We could brighten up their dull day.

It's 3.25 in the morning now. I couldn't sleep. I'm having sleeping disorder again. Slept within 10 - 15 minutes and ended up awake feeling sleepy still. At 8AM, which is countable hours later, i'm working (: Oh God, please make today a great day at work. Atleast, pleasant customers in and out. Step in the SNS with smile and also stepping out with a wider smile? Pretty please, i just need pleasant people. That's the least i could asked for. As i didn't get my proper sleep like i should and for what i asked for would surely make my day a little better.. Though, i dislike the job. Eventhough, i often short of cash. Still, i won't give up. Thank you for the strength you gave me (:

I've told you once and plenty of times that i just needed time. See what's the outcome now after you've given me time. Everything needs time. Even the truth needs time. So now, the truth eventually came out that everything he said about you wasn't true. Not even a single detail he said about you. Yes, he may be good in composing songs. Yeah, he may be a good singer. But is he good at heart like you are? I mean, i'm just asking. Though, i know that i shouldn't praise you too much but still, you're better. Even if you're better, you're still not my perfect guy that i dreamt of 'cause he never exists. As no one's perfect so why do we still bother to wait for the perfect man when we, ourselves, ain't perfect?? (:

Looking back to what i have gone through in relationships, i just realised that it still do hurts deep inside when reminiscing on what truly happen on the particular day, month or year itself. Just wished those unseen scars that my past have caused, won't bleed again. I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't want myself to change. Yes, i admit that i'm very evil, sarcastic, rude and forever never nice but i can be even more worse that i am. I never thought i could turn heartless but this time, its happening again. Lets just see whats next (:

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Thank you for those empty words.

2010-02-24T02:33:00.000+08:00

I need a bestfriend,
Or should i say TRUE FRIEND?

Friends simply come and stand by you when you're in the same boat with them but once their situation are done and fine, in just a blink of an eye.. *pooofff* kanina, they're alr gone w/o you noticing.

Gosh, i just don't know why and i couldn't control myself from not saying out vulgarities. I feel like i'm becoming even more evil as day passed by. Even to my boyfriend, i used vulgarities but im loving him like i used to. I guess, i should try and stop this rudeness and madness or i'll be losing my man anytime soon. Dammnn, if that ever happens *touching wood*, there is no one else to blame at but myself. PFFFT! Oh, i truly hate when love start to fill me up 'cause jealousy is coming along with it. And i hate when this happen, not that i hate to love him more but the jealousy just so irrit.

Friends come and go,
Said that they'll be there for you,
but they still don't know,
Don't know what you're going through,

Its not that we don't wanna tell,
Its just that you didn't asked,
Uncountable times we fell,
Still you didn't realise how we rised

Obviously by ourself we rosed up,
We don't need you lie and try,
Hoping while our eyes are fully shut,
But you'll never be there even until the day i die.

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Low Profiled.

2010-02-21T18:57:00.000+08:00

I know how to dress up and make up,
But it is depending on the day itself,
or Either i want it or not.

That is the real me when i feel like dressing up and look good. But it is always either i want it or not. I have the mood to be look like that or not. Anyway, i miss going out with LOVE to Town or some place where we should be appropriate nicely dressed. 'Cause i liked the way he dressed and stuff. I have always like the way he dressed last time. Now at times. The only day that i know he liked the way i dress was on the V'day 2010. (:

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Used to it.

2010-02-19T01:39:00.000+08:00

Yes, Patience have its own limit,
Depending on the person itself whether they can take it or not.

Hello everyone! YADA-YADA-YADA! i know that the picture above is UBER UGLY. Of course, it is! Can't you see the blue black on my right eye? HAHA. Painful but still can smile eh? I swear to you that it hurts whenever i woke up in the morning or afternoon. You wanna know why? Common sense uh! Everyone wake up will stretch here and there. Rub eyes, butt, nose and whatever. And so, i always rub my eyes, be it pain or not. But my eyes will be watery after that. Seriously, you don't wanna know how the pain felt like. I wanna go polyclinic but i don't think, i'll use the medicine given...

Anyway, from what i see, Majority of my friends are having fun and being showered with happiness that they long waited for. I'm used to it. Especially, the one that i have been there for her. She was rarely there for me whenever i needed her. But whenever she needed me, i always have time to talk to, Be it i was asleep or outside with love. It seems unappreciated. Wait, i feel extreme unappreciated. Can't blame anyone 'cause i won't support her this time. So yeah, she'll be falling into the same hole as she always did. Here i am deep inside, wish her all the best. Though i've got the feeling that he's never the best for her.

K my blue black eye need a rest. Gd Morning/Night.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

You're still my love.

2010-02-17T10:36:00.000+08:00

In case you don't know,
ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Just realised that i didn't even post about my Valentine Day. Well, My V'day went great and fine. It have been so long since i last went out with My Love on a date where we'll dress up nicely and wanna look good on that day with them. Can't deny that Love look ultra handsome and nice on V'day. Or maybe, i just miss him the way he used to dressed up. Especially, his hair. *DROOOOLS*.

As always i'm his Miss Forever Late but worth the wait! LOL. Right Baby?

Honestly baby, i miss those happy moments we used to spent together. I miss the times where we would love each other deeply and like no one can take our love away. I miss us loving each other like as if we had never feel hurt before. I miss the smiles we used to have.

Do you think, we're getting better? I hope we are and if we are... Hopefully, it will get even more better than this. I'm sorry for hurting you baby. Thank you for the Valentine Day. I enjoyed it. That day was a gift afterall. I LOVE YOU.

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Gave up

2010-02-14T03:37:00.000+08:00

The word 'Sorry' seems so free.

Remembering that i used to tell myself that gave up on guys whenever i'm hurt and have my heart broken. But end up, i found myself pulling the load through everything and moved on in my life. But Finally, 2010(!), i think this time its for real. As i don't seems to have any sympathy on anyone neither did i even think of trying. I didn't make any effort in making things better. I guess, i should start working and save up my money. Once saved or get my pay, i'll shop as much as i want. Shop til i drop. Maybe, i should stay single 'cause i don't have to support anyone else but myself.

Wanting to perm my hair since two years ago but like shit kan? Haiz. Relationship = Commandments. Will i have that kind of life that i desire? Whereby, i don't have to take the tab for you? Whereby, i don't have to get my own tab. I'm so sick of love. Maybe, i'll be fine w/o it for the moment. 'Cause i have great friends by me. Especially, Farid. Thanked God for the friendship i have with him. May it last til' end of time.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

I'm heartless 'cos my heart's alr smashed.

2010-02-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

If we deny love that is given to us,
if we refuse to give love because we fear pain/loss,
then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.

You asked whether do i know how hard it was to win my heart? Like duh(!), yes i knew that. So whats your point? You knew it was hard and when you've won my heart, you break it that easy. I was soo in love with you when you manage to win my heart. But now(?), i'm speechless. I'm heartless. There's no sympathy in me for you. No matter how many tears you've shed, I'm still the way i am right now. My heart is already smashed, crushed and shattered that i felt like i don't have a heart anymore. Maybe that is the reason why i don't have any sympathy for you. I'm sorry.

We've known each other for more than 3 months and always thought that you were nice. Never thought you would even do the things that will break my heart. I kept things that have had happened between us to myself. I didn't even have the thought to share it to others on the spot. I thought i could handle it. But on the other hand, i didn't bother to share with others 'cause i don't need any sarcasm reply from any friend of mine ever again. 'Cause it make things worse and make me feel hurt even more. Talking about friends, i'll never forget what my friends have done. Place me aside even when i'm hurt so freaking badly. Place me aside just because they are out with their guy or friends. I admit it, i don't have alot of friends like those girls outside.

Didn't bother to tell my mother because i don't want her to be shocked of it and afraid that i might chosed the wrong ones. Sometimes, reading back at what i've typed on this post just got me to shed my tears off 'cause the first thing in mind was 'Who can i rely on? Talk to?', 2nd; 'Will they ever understand me? Understand what i truly feel?' 3rd; 'Hopefully, they're not like some of my friends that would give sarcasm comments..'

I think, i'll stop here. It hurts me deep inside.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

FLOODING.

2010-02-05T17:23:00.000+08:00

You made me feel you just by singing.

I didn't went to work today which i supposed to. But they said, i would have an off day on weekdays. Only one off day but i don't even have any yet. I heard other outlet even have two days off, wth. I'm starting to give up soon but what the hell, i have to be patient till February 13th. While working, i saw a guy working as stacking the stocks at my outlet. Somehow, i know few details of him like his name, in which high sch is he from, he got a tattoo and WTH, i couldn't remember how i know all that. F-U-C-K kan?

Never thought that things could happen this way.
Never thought things could go this bad.
Always thought we could go through the rain,
Alway thought we could go through the pain,
But it seems like our love slowly going down the drain.

I'm sorry for what had happened and also what is hapenning right now.. I miss being showered with love and care by you. I miss showering you with my love and care. I miss the time you put a smile on my face by just kissing my cheek. I miss the time where i always felt safe and sound around your arms. But fears have overcomed me. But pain have been controling me. I admit it, i'm selfish, stubborn, too secretive and etc. I always thought that i could handle it on my own. But i simply couldnt. Cause i really don't wanna cry again like i used to with my previous jerks. Shits do really happened. I'm sorry but sometimes, you made me feel like i'm never up to your standard. You made me feel like i'm not worth your love. Too much pain i felt, Too many things i kept. All those tears i cried and now they're already dried. Lets just see what is gonna happen next. Perhaps, i'll try to forget what had happened to me but haiz... Don't wanna mention it here.

Introducing Senortey, He's my laughing gas and my bestfriend. I admit it that i'm super obsessed with his voice Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for making smile. Thank you for the song you've composed and sang. Thank you for everything. I really did thanked God for existing you in my life. (: I don't know what i'll do if i didn't give you my email addy when you asked my number. Thank you, thankyou, thankyou.

Never thought the song you composed,
Would even caused me tears,
Though I believe that you've not one of those,
But i'm still too aware cause i fear,

Tried moving forward and never look back,
Everything has fallen into history
But still here i am, unable to face the fact,
That this is my life story.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Unbearable.

2010-02-02T19:25:00.000+08:00

The pain is the tattoo instead of you.

Sorry for not updating my blog for quite sometime. I was in the mood of updating but just that something just stop me from updating it. I've started working and yeah, it is fine with me. But just having problem remembering the code numbers of the Vegetable and Fruits. I think, i'm suppose to have only 30 mins break but i took my own sweet time and dragged it to an hour. Cried and shed my tears on my break-time today. Couldn't help myself but to cry, i couldn't take it anymore 'cause he'll never understand the pain i felt. It just hurts alot. Don't know who to share with. Don't know who to cry on. Don't know who to pour out my feelings to.

Valentines Day is coming,
The guys will be looking around,
Found a girl, then, start asking,
Whether they're up to the town,

While the girls will be thinking,
Thinking of 'Who should i go out with tonight?'
While the guys will be hoping,
Hoping that everything's gonna be alright,

Once request accepted
Guy's will be busy on planning,
And girls will be frustated,
When they can't decide on their dressing,

*Final, decision made,
Both party will have a headache,
But in the end, Valentine day was great,
They'll say 'i love my fate.'

*1 Extra verse that was on my mind that i just couldn't fit it in my othe verse or in between any. Yes, i admit that my english is extremely bad.. Atleast i did tried.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Everyone feels pain deep inside.

2010-01-28T05:59:00.000+08:00

I look at people around me,
& I see that they have their own pain too,
So We're equal and the same.

I don't know why but sometimes, looking at people around me just makes me wanna cry. Be it a stranger or a friend, Be it my parents or my siblings.. I see there's pain in their eyes. I believe Happiness is hard to find nor achieve. But laughter and a fun is like short or draft scene of Happiness. Whenever we talk about Happiness, first thing came on my mind is that: i think Happiness is when we step/reach Heaven. No Offence, just my opinion. hmmm..

I just made a poem for what i think of my friend's situation. I don't wanna mention names. So yeah, you know who you are. I'm not trying to be harsh, rude or sarcastic but face the fact that what i'm saying here is true. (: No offence.

You always thought he was the only one,
But deep inside, you know that you're lying,
Now you've got to face the fact that you both are done,
Cause deep inside, you're dying,

You're dying not because you can't be with him,
Dying for lying to yourself and no other,
'This is Love' thats what you claim,
Things between you and him aint getting better.

Everyone agree that the truth hurts,
But it is even more hurtful to live in a lie,
Stop pretending if you don't wanna feel hurt,
'Cause if you keep on pretending, in the end, you'll cry.

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Pain explains everything.

2010-01-26T23:19:00.000+08:00

Couldn't help it
But this is the way i am.

I'm sorry for being rude.
I'm sorry for being sarcastic.
I'm sorry for i just couldn't be bothered.
I'm sorry for the attitude i have in me.
I'm sorry for the changes in myself and our r/s.

Sorry for the pain i've caused you.
Sorry for the tears you cried for.
I'm really sorry for every single thing.

I've composed a new poem and i love it truckloads. I don't know why but somehow it just explain what i truly feel.

I thought I could go through the rain,
I thought I could go through the storms,
I thought I could bear the pain,
I thought I could bear the thorns,

I thought I'm standing strong,
But I realise that I was just pretending,
Now I knew I was wrong all along,
And I shall start realising,
Where everyone says Last Long,
Where everyone hoped for Happy Ending,
When everyone's down,
When everyone's crying,
They realised all those words were just for pleasing.

End! hope you guys like it(:

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Thank You, babe.

2010-01-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

This is Originally Written By RizahDarling,
Which is Specially For You, Babe.

I don't know why but somehow, i'm starting to love writing poems. Though, i know it doesn't sounds right nor great but all those words came from the bottom of my heart. Here goes for ya, babe.

Friends come and go,
That's what we always hear,
But babe, you know i won't,
I'll stay to wipe your tear,
You know that you can always ring my phone,
If you ever need a listening ear.

Even when we're far apart,
You're still near my heart,
We've got the same horoscope,
We've got similar mole,
We're often in the same boat,
I'll stick with you throughout the flow.

Yeahyeahyeah, i know it sounds awful. Anyway, i wanna thank you a thousand loads. Seriously, thank you for being there.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Baby, this is for you.

2010-01-23T18:02:00.000+08:00

Heart is Shattered,
This is Fated
But its Unexpected.

Thank you, Shalin, for being there whenever i'm in need. Thank you so much. Everyone's busy with their own problem and stress but even when you have your own problem, you still have time for others too. You're the greatest.

I wrote something on a paper last night.
Didn't have a clue of why?
And i know it doesn't sounds right.
Atleast, i did try.
HERE GOES NOTHING,

Now I've seen your true colours,
And also You've seen mine,
We've seen the real-self of each other,
Obviously, you thought I was a dime,
I'm sorry for i am not,
&Hopefully, we will be better in time.

DONE!

It is just a simple note of what i feel.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

I'm much wiser.

2010-01-23T00:27:00.000+08:00

Sorry but I can feel that i'm changing,
And blame yourself for that 'cause you made me.

I'm not lying about my previous post. Seriously, when will i ever have my average princessy life? K i know that word 'princessy' isn't suppose to be there but anyway, it sounds nice.

Sometimes, some guy that is 3years or more older than us always thinks that they're much more wiser and matured than us. Serious shit and no offence.. Sorry k? But obviously, this goes to both genders. Easy said those who are 3years or more apart from us.

You can't expect me to change in months when i've been living my life for years. Come on, be realistic. You couldn't see any effort from me in trying to change myself. Plus, you can't expect me to be what you wanted me to be 'cause you should have accept that person for what they are.

Yes, i'm younger but i believe that i'm much wiser than you. You can't expect problems to stop coming when our parent's life still do have some problems.. So what makes you think that we're so special that problems will stop coming. So what if the problems is from us or others, it is still problems. Just go on and run 'cause they're gonna chase you 'til you fall but i won't run with you 'cause i don't wanna fall as it hurts and obviously, it is more hurtful when problems is coming as the same time. So lets face it when we are still standing strong.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Yeah, it does hurts alot.

2010-01-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

At times, I don't feel appreciated by you and some.

Having period and the pain is seriously unbearable. Didn't have my breakfast in the morning and i just swallowed 3 tablet of panadols. The pain wasn't that bad but still, its painful. Didn't have my lunch either.

When will i ever get to live an average life?

Where i don't have to pull the tab for others.
Where i don't have to walk through miles under the hot sun.
Where i shall stop expecting flowers or a box of chocolates infront of my door on Valentine.
Where i wouldn't have to look down on myself ever again.
Where i don't have to wait any compliments from my boyfriend.
Where i'll hear him praise me without me asking.
Where i'll hear the compliments from my boyfriend instead of other guys.

Though, what i have mentioned above doesn't sound like an average life.. But still, that is what most girls dream-ed of. Oh Well, What i'm sure of is that i'm truly tired of looking down on myself. Still remember there was once i looked down on myself just because my ex-boyfriend makes me feel that way. But what the hell, he should be looking down on himself for not taking the tab and make me pull out my money &obviously, that looks bad.

It hurts alot and none knows that i'm hurting.
None bother that much cause they'll only ask me whether i'm fine when they're not.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Craps have struck me on Midnight.

2010-01-18T04:14:00.000+08:00

Sing your heart out like
You are by yourself.

It's 4.30 in the Morning. Don't ask me why am i awake 'cause i myself don't even know why. And the reason of me blogging at this point of time is because i couldn't get myself back to sleep. Currently, just listening to A Rocket To The Moon's songs. Anyway, I still could remember the conversation Boyfriend and I had last midnight, Our Imagination went wild and obviously Unrealistic. He was sharing about his suprises plans and he got truckloads of suprises plans. After whatever he've shared, i kept repeating to my inner soul to be prepared for any upcoming suprises. Anyway, we were talking about ourselves in 5 years time &that is where my imagination went wild and ridiculously unrealistic.. Everything that came out from my mouth was all shits. So let me tell you what i've said to him, I believe that in 5 years time; the world gonna be truly awesomely UNPREDICTABLY DIFFERENT and hopefully better. We used to have fans but now most people are using the Air-Conditioner instead.We used to send letters to Overseas but We're sending Emails now. Where we never thought there would be such things like Electronic ToothBrush. &Then, i start talking crap like.. Perhaps in 5 years time.. Our life would change to be better and easier for us. We're gonna have electronic wings. We're gonna have a floating scooter. We're gonna have teleport. HAHAs. My boyfriend's mind must be thinking and saying when will her craps ever end.. So obvious cause my craps getting even more worse. I said, since our life changes and same goes to Animal's Life. Cat will start laying eggs, Where turtles learned to fly.. While Birds started diving and swimming, the sharks will learn to be a vegetarian. So they'll start eating seaweeds for life. &there is alot more to be type out here but i guess, all i've said in here is enough 'cause i did talked about the weather, the space with spaceships, the world and the Mars.

Anyway, Meeting boyfriend later on. teeeheeee, I received three photo comments and randomly from my ex. [-.-] When will he ever stop keeping an eye on me? When will he ever move on and stop watching me grow? Will he ever stop watching me grow? Because i believe the time where he starts to stop watching me grow is the time where he'll start growing. Oh well, as long as i'm happy and boyfriend is too. We'll be okay.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Accept it, be it Good Or Bad 'cause you want it.

2010-01-11T21:39:00.000+08:00

When my patience being washed away completely,
That is when i already & finally had enough.

I didn't see the pain coming.
I didn't see the jealousy was growing.
I didn't think about the consequences.
I didn't think about what lies ahead.

We're crying individually.
We felt the pain continuously.
We kept searching for it endlessly.

We're pissed, We're tired and We're frightened.
But I know that this is part of Life.
I know that We're not the only one who felt this way.

From now onwards, I wouldn't wanna be like what i going to be if... I don't wanna feel what i'm going to feel if... I never want things to fall apart 'cause it will if... I would be crying and keep on crying in future ahead if... I'll end up living my life with regrets if...

if i still stay the way i am now.

Yes, changing everything in you just gonna change everything in life too. You change one thing and it'll change everything arounds ya'. You'll never know what will happen sooner or later. You might like the way they've changed but you wouldn't wanna end up regretting for the changes 'cause the feelings ain't the same. You won't be regretting if it is better than last time but if it isn't as beautiful as it used to be, then i'll just have to say "GoodLuck".

I'm gonna harden my heart 'cause I don't want anything that lies beyond my eyes brings me down. 'cause i don't want anything that came out from their smelly-awful mouth brings me down. 'cause i don't want all this things be a huge problem and destroy what we have or what we feel..

Much Loves, RizahDarling.

Move On Babe, Please.

2010-01-11T00:53:00.000+08:00

There's tons of fishes in the sea.

This post is specialized for my other babe.

Love shouldn't be forced.
Love is everywhere in the air.
You're beautifully gorgeous,
so why are you chasin' and waitin' for someone who isn't worth it?

It is a common thing for,
Being rejected,
Being left,
Being cheated,
Being replaced and etcetera.

Hey, i've once in your shoes too. I told you what had happened in my previous r/s via SMS, i was expecting that you would give me a call to comfort me or something? but what did you do? you sent me a super-short message that offends me alot more than what you feel now. If what i am saying now hurts you,im sorry but you know its the fact and what im saying now, will help you in future.. To be compared to your message? You didn't give me any advice. You didn't give me support. You didn't comfort me at all. Damn girl, i've got no one to talk to. I thought i could talk to you but no. Oh well, i've move on and i made the choice. I made new friends but my heart still is hooked onto his. As new friends comes and go. Finally, there's this new angel willing to hear my problem and my cry, that angel gave me opinions which is the fact and positive one. I was stubborn liked you too and i look into the future ahead, he isn't the only one in this world. Finally, the one that have always cared for me was the Angel that have opened up my eyes and mind, so now i am with him. K forget it. Now its about you.

Since you said he is lying now about his status.What makes you think he won't lie to you again in anything or everything in future lies ahead? It is better to hurt now. It is better to get cheated now. You should be glad and thanking God that this happened when we're still young.. What if it happened once you're married with him? What does he have? I mean seriously.. Too be honest, he doesn't suits you even if he is perfect in your eyes. Perhaps, YOU SHOULD list down the goods and the bads of him in a paper. Compare which is worse?

So move on. If i can, why can't you? If he can, why can't you? If my other babes can, why can't you? You were never like this last time. What have got into you? I mean, seriously, stop doing whatever you've been doing right now.. try something new. If my babes were like you including me too, we'll all be dead. So think properly, if you think he's nice, he won't be doing this to you. I'm sorry if what ever i have said, hurts you alot.

&Babe, you know i love you(and my other babes too) alot..
It does hurts me alot hearing you cry.
I would like to see that smile again on your face.
We should meet up soon. Love ya & I'm Sorry.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Guys we like.

2010-01-09T00:53:00.000+08:00

Let them be on your tight observation, still.

This post is being pusblished specially for bestfriend. &yes, let those guys be still on your tight observation.

'Cause we don't need guys who will make us wait for their calls and texts.
We don't need guys that expect us to make the first move.
We don't need guys that wants us to come over their places instead.

We should be goin' for those guys that isn't ashame to introduce you to their friends.
Those guys that isn't ashame to admit that "i'm her boyfriend"
Those guys that is proud and would like to show you to world that they loves you.
And many more sweetest things on earth can be done by boys.

Look, we're not being demanding or what but that is what sweet guys would usually do. Don't you girls think so? Anyway, those kind of guys that we're searching for, can only be counted by fingers and toes. So yeah, if we're lucky enough, we'll get it.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Approval seems to be needed.

2010-01-08T12:16:00.000+08:00

I wish i am what i am not.

I wish I could control myself from being too over sensitive.
I wish I could control myself from whatever i desire to eat.
I wish I could control myself from making too many mistakes.
I wish I could be what i am not.

I wish i could be somebody else.
Be Beautiful,
Be Intellient,
Be Good,
Be whatever i am not.

I don't wanna be fat.
I don't wanna be stupid.
I don't wanna be the worst they ever had.

I don't wanna look myself in the mirror while the hatred for myself grew in me stronger as ever.
I don't wanna end up punching the mirror.
I don't wanna hate myself.
I have improved better than last time but still, approval from others isn't there.

Goodbye.

Much Love, RizahDarling.

L-O-V-E

2010-01-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

Having a dream isn't stupid, sweetheart.
It's not having a dream that's stupid.

It is how much we still LOVE each other that we could still tolerate one another's attitudes. Obviously, it is sucha a bumpy ride for us and for sure, we don't wanna go for another ride again. Had myself in deep thoughts all by myself in my dark room without realising that it caused me tears. Didn't even realise that i was crying all along since the start and it just couldn't stop flowing. Had my head spinning like obv. worse than a merry-go-round. I thought it was just my heart that is crying. Oh God, i don't wanna cry again. It really hurts deep inside. Tired of going through the torns. Tired of being hurt without anyone noticing nor realising. Tired of hurting others which it does hurt me too. Tired of hearing other crying when i did cried too. Tired of forcing myself to smile. I'm really tired but i never wanna let go 'cause i know, i couldn't live if i let go. It'll be weird, odd and awkward. If it ever happens that we really couldn't hold on any longer and stronger, i'll just keep them as my most happiest memories while we're falling in history.

ps; i really love you alot.

Much Love, RzahDarling.

i thought i was different

2010-01-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

I always thought that I've made a huge difference in this relatioships,
I thought our relationships is better and the bestest to be compared from the rest relationship you ever had.

I'm so in dilemma, baby! Should i go for Traineeship in HealthCare or Back to Academics but in 'O' Levels?? But my heart says Traineeship for ITE Skills Certificate(ISC). Asked my babe but She is going to recap everything and go for the examinations. If i were to recap it, it is gonna take me forever. If its not, my brain will burst. Oh well, Wish Me Good Luck. Insya-Allah, Everything will go very well. On Tuesday, i'll go to ITE Headquarters then.

I don't know why but when it comes to Education and Career problem, i rather tell my friend than boyfriends. Perhaps, i'm afaid of being critize or look down on, like what had happened my past relationships. I've been aware, infact too aware. I fear and obviously fear too much. Brother have once told me, Never be shame to cry. Love may cause us tears , Just release your fears. Oh Brother how do i even release my fears??

Much Love, RizahDarling.

To People All Around The World, Happy 2010 Everyone !

2010-01-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

Your words had never reflect your actions
&obviously, there's a BIG difference on that.

Wishing YOU! Yes! You.. the one who sits infront of the LCD Monitor/Lappy Screen..Wishing you a very happiest, greatest, happening-in-a-good-way and etcetera NEW YEAR... Wishing you and everyone on earth a Happy 2010. May this 2010 be a better year for us and obviously, this goes to everyone all around the world.

Lets Start A New in most likely every single thing
Lead this Brand New Year
With a New Smile drawn on our faces.

Wipes those tears baby!
Forget the ones who may have hurt you
And the one who had never appreciate you alright?
Because We know that we've tried everything just to make it right
But it just washed away down into the drain by the rain sweetheart!

I hope everyone enjoyed their 2010's CountDown Outing. As for me, it didn't start with a smile on the 31st December 'cause i cried in the evening at 5pm going to 6pm. Cried my heart out on the phone. Cried my heart out while sweeping the floor.Cried while putting my make ups on. Cried my heart out talking to Mummy. After that at 8pm everything went fine though i didn't do anything nor confront anyone about it. But there it goes again, i almost had my tears up fully in my eyes...

But Thanks to this Sweetest People(above). They've made my day great. I enjoyed my moments with them and that day will be the longest we slacked together. They make me laughed my ass out. They had the conversation going on w/o stopping and w/o me realising how upset i was. I thought i was the only one who upset about it, never knew that they was upset too. Luckily, i didn't break down into tears, can you imagine if i were to break down(?), i'm sure they're gonna break down too but i'll get confuse why are they breaking down too.. Haha, cause i didn't know that they were upset too.

Overall, i enjoyed my countdown anyway. We took the first bus which is at 6.35am. And i couldn't help it, so i slept in bus cause i'm really tired &obviously, sleepy too. Thank You Mummy and Daddy for allowing me going home taking the first bus. Thought i would go home straight and sleep but me and boyfriend ended up in Fajar met my mummy. Then Mummy, me and boyfriend ended up in Bangkit having breakfast. So after that, we went home.. I slept at 2pm and woke up at 6pm due to Boyfriend's call. He said he'll meet me at night, actually wanted to take PSP from Shalin but she finished work at 11pm. So we decided to take it tomorrow. But he still did came over..

Much Love, RizahDarling.

Hidden Changes in Here

2009-12-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

Cry till you're asleep
But you smiled in your sleep

There is some changes in my blog. Spot it yourself and i ain't gonna tell you what is the changes.
And oh! tomorrow is countdown for 2010. Oh-la-la! Couldn't wait for it and hope tomorrow will be good day. Hopefully, no fighting, no down moodines and no crying. Wish for the best. May 2010 will be a good year for everyone since 2009 didn't do any good for us. So yeah...May 2010 will be better than 2009.

Lets bid Goodbye to 2009. Goodbye 2009
&Welcome 2010.
May 2010 will be a better than 2009.
As years ages, may it goes on better and better.

Much Love, RizahDarling.