I don't understand

AKU BENCI DIRI AKU SENDIRI!
You always make me cry
but i rather hate myself
than hating you.

It have been two days that i have yet hold you in my arms, baby. How i wish you knew how much i miss you. I really miss you so much. Only God knew how much mummy miss you, baby. Only God knew how hurtful it is to be this way but mummy wants you to be healthy and safe unlike mummy. You're still a baby, you don't know what is wrong nor what is happening to us.. Daddy wants to leave mummy forever. Daddy don't love mummy anymore, baby. It is partially my fault too. Mummy don't know when, how and what have made mummy change to a bad person.. It is beyond than bad.. It is way worse than bad but perhaps i was too hurt.. Mummy didn't know what else to do. Mummy can't help it but to cry. Baby, if only you could see and understand.. If only you could notice.. I didn't rest well and i lost my voice. Also, i have been crying almost every single day and night. I don't wanna lost my eye sight too. I would miss looking into your eyes. I love you so much, baby.